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originally this was going to be a whole thing. a whole exploration on the complexity of syzygy and what happens when loz and kadaj and i do weird remnant things and absorb people into the mist of our bodies. then we couldn't think of anything at all, besides the sadness.
we're made of memory. "we" as in everyone ever, i think, but also "we" as in the three of us, in a very specific way. we live and breathe this memory and when things get tough we go after others'. and because we can't exactly devour the full memory-form of someone beyond our pocket of the universe, we turn to those inside. usually, it's not a big deal. but sometimes, those people are friends. sometimes, they're people who have been with us for a decade or more. and then the guilt sets in.
i don't think i realized how much this affected me until literally 24 hours ago. i had always known i had feelings about "about", the girl i was for ten years leading up to this. but when discussing another member of syzygy -- dree -- i had a full breakdown in a way i don't think i ever have before. i became angry at the idea of him being "brainmade", some kind of lost part of a wider whole that required fixing. something inherently different from us "introjects", which is its own terrible word. all these words that inflict on him same kind of nonsense we have had inflicted on us time and time again. the implication that dree's absorption was something good, a sign of healing, instead of just something sad that happened that we are allowed to feel fucking sad about. i realized that dree was such a staple in loz and about's life -- in my life -- and loz's absorption of him made sense in a sort of terrible, hilarious way. like, of course. of course the boy i was closest with for the formative years of my life would become part of the memory-body of my twin.
so instead of writing a real essay, i wrote letters. enough preamble.
from yazoo, to dree:
first off, thank you. you were the very first person to treat me as me, at least, as i believed i was. it doesn't matter. i don't mind that i was someone else for our time together. i don't mind that i don't remember much about you because the feelings are still there. i know you were a kind, beautiful soul, and i'm happy to have been able to know you for so long. i see you sometimes, in loz. i don't know how, outside of the knowledge that he absorbed you, but there's something. something about the way his walk has changed, and the way he makes peoples' heads turn when he laughs.
i don't make friends easily. i don't love even moreso. but i think i did -- do -- love you. i consider you an important part of my becoming, even if you accidentally walked in on it happening. you were the first to see me as yazoo, and despite your confusion, your kindness showed first and foremost in how you led me to the center of the world to get help from the others. loz told me that a therapist referred to you as an "angry, vengeful part". i don't remember that. maybe you were. all of my memory-feelings involve joy. joy and music. we tell the story all the time -- the one of you, me, and loz going to that record store. its my clearest, most beloved memory of "back then". i cherish it. i think i will until i die.you were my friend. not a symptom, not a side effect of trauma, not a tool for understanding a world full of senseless violence. you were a person first and foremost. kadaj says you might be part of our birds now. if you are, i hope your flights are easy and the wind is always at your back.
from yazoo, to about:
hello. this is strange.
i know your name not because i "remember" it, but because i know the music that precedes it. this seems to be a pattern.
you are what i was before i was me. a girl made for a story, that eventually comes to life. you were part of a trio, too, you know. a trio of albums, of characters.
this is hard, because something about our "relationship" makes it difficult for me to talk about you. but i want to thank you, too, anyways. for being me before i was brave enough to do it myself.
i don't think of you as a body that once housed my True Soul-self. i don't know if i see you as the childhood version of me, either. but whatever happened, whatever it all means, i'm here now. and i say your name because your memory is as important to my body as any other. i love that your name is just a word. because until the english language itself evolves or dissipates, everyone who speaks it will at some point say you. about. about.
i made this playlist for you. it's a measly thing, only seven songs. i cried while organizing it to our particular tastes. music from the albums you named yourself after, the ones that stick with me to this day. i hope it's enough. one day i'll make a real tape for you. full of texture and breathy synths and music boxes and seemingly-nonsense lyrics and all those things we like.
for you
