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hum hum hum. been thinking about bodies and lack-thereof.
the syzygy-body is not something i feel is impossible to reach anymore, it just isn't anything i'm particularly interested in, beyond a few specific experiences. i'm always with loz, who's almost always behind the eyes. i find great joy in noticing when xe's overwhelmed with the weight of the world. i know just when to catch her off guard, take it by the (metaphysical) hand to drag it away to be with us space-time freaks. rest in the clearing, braid my gravity-protesting hair, play with the infinitely spawning birds, build towers and knock them back down.
at the end of the day, the syzygy-body is a container. i care about it, deeply. pretty much everything i know is currently tied to its presence. if absolutely necessary, i'd jump the barrier to protect it and everyone involved. but for now, it's far more fun to explore the strangeness that happens when i am near enough to affect it but not enough to control. dissociation has gotten a bad rap, i think. there's nothing more interesting to me than being "blurry" with loz while he -- barely conscious himself -- cuts and pastes PNGs at my psychic command. it feels good to leave behind the boundaries of self-and-other when kadaj notices my struggle to remain a Being at all, and joins in the Nothing with me, instead of trying to fix anything about me. or, when it is troubling, they both scramble to offer memories and emotion and sensation that i can't seem to find. and it's not about "me", exactly. at least not the same "me" that was there before. i build up a new skin and a new form from what they offer, and i come back, still yazoo, just fresh and weird and wobbly.
i was born two days ago. i'll probably be born again next week. i'm nothing. i'm everything. i wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
the syzygy-body is not something i feel is impossible to reach anymore, it just isn't anything i'm particularly interested in, beyond a few specific experiences. i'm always with loz, who's almost always behind the eyes. i find great joy in noticing when xe's overwhelmed with the weight of the world. i know just when to catch her off guard, take it by the (metaphysical) hand to drag it away to be with us space-time freaks. rest in the clearing, braid my gravity-protesting hair, play with the infinitely spawning birds, build towers and knock them back down.
at the end of the day, the syzygy-body is a container. i care about it, deeply. pretty much everything i know is currently tied to its presence. if absolutely necessary, i'd jump the barrier to protect it and everyone involved. but for now, it's far more fun to explore the strangeness that happens when i am near enough to affect it but not enough to control. dissociation has gotten a bad rap, i think. there's nothing more interesting to me than being "blurry" with loz while he -- barely conscious himself -- cuts and pastes PNGs at my psychic command. it feels good to leave behind the boundaries of self-and-other when kadaj notices my struggle to remain a Being at all, and joins in the Nothing with me, instead of trying to fix anything about me. or, when it is troubling, they both scramble to offer memories and emotion and sensation that i can't seem to find. and it's not about "me", exactly. at least not the same "me" that was there before. i build up a new skin and a new form from what they offer, and i come back, still yazoo, just fresh and weird and wobbly.
i was born two days ago. i'll probably be born again next week. i'm nothing. i'm everything. i wouldn't trade any of it for the world.
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